Being a mistake

Depression

Often, you consider your train of thoughts to derail into unknown territories. Depths of your mind that haven’t been tapped into yet. Like a serpent that knows instinctively that it needs to shed its own skin to express its own true self.

You enter your new mindset, thinking and being somewhat aware of your thoughts, until you realize that this new you is actually the opposite of the old you. And you wonder, how did I get here? You thought that the “you” that you were so attached to, was going to be permanent.

You try to force your way into this new you, and you resist it over and over again. You don’t know if how you think, is the “real” you or the “phoney” you. You’re lost, and confused.

You’re like an hourglass that keeps tilting itself when the sand fills up to the brim. How do you fight this imposter syndrome, and break out of your own mind?

How indeed.

Nobody knows. Some say that its natural, and that you naturally come out of your mental shell. Your mind screams, yells, and fights your way out of it. Other times, all you need is a jolt of electricity down your spine to really shock you into the present moment. Japanese monks beat new students to bring them back to the present moment, and Hindu teachers pull the ears of their students to accomplish the same objective.

But you know what’s really fun? Thinking your way through and thinking your way out of these thoughts that come up. You want to think these thoughts until the end, and you want to discover the real innards of your ideas and beliefs.

Towards the end of it all, you peel the onion until there’s nothing left. You’ve skinned the rabbit, until all you have is its lucky foot. You’ve taken the fun out of thinking and thoughts and replaced it with boring old contentment. Nobody wants that. People want fun, and adventure.

Are you then a mistake? or just a confused soul trying to find your way out? Trying to reach your way closer to Nirvana, or enlightenment.

What you fail to see, is that there is no right and wrong in this life. There is only you. And that you, is the experiencer that enjoys the experience. There is no wrong thought, or right thought. Its just thoughts. Thoughts that you have very little control over. But in the end they’re simply thoughts. You’re perfect as who you are, and you don’t need to change a thing, because you are simply the observer enjoying this universe.

 

photo credit: Lua Ahmed via photopin cc

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